I have been on a journey this year, some of it I mentioned on here this past spring, but I did not go into how much it affected my daily life. I feel like when I talked about it I brushed off the emotions and what I went through and have been mentally going through…I made it sound as if it was all okay.
We are going to get real here, because the anxiety and breakdowns have kept me from writing.
Last March my whole life changed when I found out that my dad wasn’t my birth father, I went from having two half sisters to five half sisters and three half brothers (+three step brothers if I really wanted to make it all crazy 😝) somedays I am just fine, I can go through my daily life as though nothing has changed…as long as I am busy enough.
When I was working, I was too focused on what was going on at work and that is where my head was, it was perfect. Then summer happened and it was discussed that I was absolutely needed more at home, and while I tried to keep myself busy at home, my mind always wandered.
Kids, gardening, audiobooks, spinning, knitting, crocheting…one would think those things would be easy to keep my brain busy, but it didn’t work. I’ve had many days of being fine and then randomly breaking down and crying, panic and anxiety attacks. My brain never stops thinking about the situation. I worry about my dad, I am sadden that I will never meet my biological dad as he passed years ago.
Aside from the mental and emotional aspect of it, I find myself being shunned by certain members of my maternal family, I have one family member in particular trying to ban me from family events, simply for accidentally finding out the truth.
I didn’t do this test excepting to find out about this, I was trying to continue to build my family tree, get passed road blocks, and as I previously mentioned find out if my third great grandmother came from Spain or New Hampshire.
However, I do feel like I am slowly getting better. My new siblings have welcomed me and I’ve spent many days at the beach with my oldest sister, my niece, and my grand niece and nephew this summer. I’ve found a support group online, full of other people going through the same thing and it has very much helped me.
I’ve also recently joined a group where you heal through creativity and I am hoping that it will help me get up and work on things ( I haven’t touched my sewing machine since finding out). So please bear with me, the lack of posts, and know that I daily I am wanting to come and write, I might just not be emotionally okay I’m those days.
I hope you all have a great weekend, my heart goes out to those affected by the hurricane. Please stay safe.